Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.