Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
You Might Also Like
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.