All set.
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“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?