Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???