Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
fourth time’s the charm
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
i will not be silenced
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?