Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
also my go-to takeaway order