Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

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I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.


Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.


I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist


[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–”
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”


[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight


You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]


ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.


Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.