I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
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Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.
I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.
I’m still not convinced Mitt Romney was born.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–”
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.