If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
13: I have a friend that doesn’t like baseball, chocolate, or bacon.
Me: Pretty sure that’s not a friend, bro.
Me? Need a Bag? Nah chill son, Ima juggle this 6 pack of beer and watermelon on my head while riding a scooter.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Me: [unsure about my hair]
Hairdresser: So, what do you think?
Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!
WIFE: you’re so overly dramatic
ME: no i’m not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting “no he’s not”] dammit guys, not now