@Ivsy01

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

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@andylassner

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

@UrFavAsianGuy

Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.

@hazelmotes1

I like to wear fur coats, but fur is murder, so I just tied 15 live badgers together and this coat is really scratchy and bitey.

@envydatropic

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

@kumailn

[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–”
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

@ozzyunc

You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@YourPrincess_L

Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.