Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*