Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
You Might Also Like
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
canadian assassins are called killergrams
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive