Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
sounds kinky. i’m in.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not