Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I thought this was funny lol
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
“I’m helping” 😅
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.