Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …