Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨