Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
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boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!