Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

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Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.


If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.


wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.


Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.


If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long


I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.


*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*


When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.