Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate