Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
When I refer to kids as “Snot-dripping, germ-spreading spawns of Satan” I hope you realize I’m not referring specifically to YOUR children.