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@TheBoydP: Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
@bourgeoisalien: Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
@amydillon: "Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!"
@PleaseBeGneiss: [after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
@dshack8: I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don't treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
@HepatitisAtoZ: corny joke guy that everyone hates: "whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera's "Cowboys From Hell"