Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.