*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.