Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

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Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.


“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]


Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.


[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry


“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”

-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.


Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!


Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone


Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.


“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”