Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
“Quit mowing your lawn you heathen and go to church!”
-Me as I put in earplugs and go back to bed on a Sunday morning.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”