Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago