Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
#parenting
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Breaking news:
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics