Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
You Might Also Like
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.