I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
You Might Also Like
Tip for teens:
If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.
Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw