@MNateShyamalan

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

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@vodkachrome

I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.

@SortaBad

Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring

@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

@HeyoShellz

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

@SteveSuckington

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

@pattonoswalt

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it’s not, it’s Jennitalia.

@zachreinert03

Just saw a woman getting ‘running lessons’ with rubber bands & a head gear. Pffft, I could’ve taught her for free and with only a chainsaw