*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers