@meganamram
@trojansauce
[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS
police officer: alright he’s clear
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@trojansauce
@LloBrow
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
@WilliamAder
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
@ShortSleeveSuit
mom: wanna see me do a flip?
me: no
wow: too late
@AndyRichter
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
@anagramps
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
@lilgapeach32
Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!
@ninjadinosaur1
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
@lejessica
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
@patnspankme
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.