@meganamram

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

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@Adar79Angie

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

@Darlainky

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

@MattMcElaney

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

@DaddyJew

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

@JimmerThatisAll

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.

@BrettDruck

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.