“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.