“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
handsome & gretel
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise