When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I like long walks away from everyone
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.