@meganamram
@Adar79Angie When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
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@Adar79Angie 
@Darlainky A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
@MattMcElaney Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
@ChicksRule [steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
@DaddyJew Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
@BareChesty I like long walks away from everyone
@JimmerThatisAll I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
@DurtMcHurtt I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.
@BrettDruck When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
@1Happytwit Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.