Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
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BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
This is amazing.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.