@Shot_Of_Cabo

Well, at least I didn’t kill a lion!

– Bill Cosby

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

@favamp

If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.

@Mikecanrant

*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*

*Turns to GF*

“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”

@BeardedSteel

Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Me: …ok

@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@brokeOclock

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

@UnFitz

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

@pilau

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra