Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
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12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
fourth time’s the charm
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn