Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Well, at least I didn’t kill a lion!
– Bill Cosby
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If I were a dinosaur, I’d be a swagasaurus.
*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part*
*Turns to GF*
“You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code”
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra