@snotnboogers23

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

- @snotnboogers23

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@tchrquotes

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

@Browtweaten

Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm

Doctor: It’s okay, I can fix it

Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too

Doctor: *cocks rifle*

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@TheToddWilliams

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

@ShittyComedian

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

@GoogleChamiya

Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?

@_elvishpresley_

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

@realHamOnWry

I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.

@KeetPotato

[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”