Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.