“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
You Might Also Like
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.