@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

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@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@jkrambles

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

@PaperWash

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

@SkippyMcGizzard

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

@harriweinreb

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

@Jarhead44

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”

THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN

@CatsVsHumanity

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

@omerwahaj

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?