Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@IDontSpeakWhine

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

@Contwixt

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

@mollytolsky

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

@Ygrene

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

@timdonakowski

My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.

@GrantTanaka

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

@graceful_asfuck

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@Marlebean

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars