@Dawn_M_
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
@AbbyHasIssues
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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@Dawn_M_
@UnimpressedWU
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
@jkrambles
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
@PaperWash
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
@SkippyMcGizzard
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
@harriweinreb
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
@Jarhead44
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
@dafloydsta
[marriage counseling]
She’s constantly mad at me
“There are squirrels living in our house”
THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN
@CatsVsHumanity
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
@omerwahaj
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?