“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!