@somecleverthing

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

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@ohen39

[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.

@KevinFarzad

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@adamgreattweet

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

@pleatedjeans

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

@Tmoney68

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

@lisaxy424

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

@TwinSurvivalist

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”