Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.