I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
I just saved thousands on child support by never getting laid.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life’s mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you.
ME: voicemail? ugh
“One good thing about me is that I’m a great listener,” I said while some kind of noise came out of her face.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on