Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
good for her
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.