Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall