@ruinedpicnic

“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”

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@BuckyIsotope

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

@ScottLinnen

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

@Book_Krazy

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

@T_Bonezzz

SURVIVAL TIP

If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned

@SteveSuckington

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

@DVSblast

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.