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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead