Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”
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Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.