It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with