My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Being an adult just means you don’t get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said “I thought you were on a diet?”
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars