@Adam_Kingsnorth

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

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@imskytrash

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

@tastefactory

Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

@UncleDuke1969

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

@Lisa_Laughs_

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

@Naked_Superman

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

@drinksmcgee

When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo