Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

You Might Also Like


(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp


Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.


I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.


me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*


How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die


They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.


Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.


When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.



Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo