(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
I got kicked out of Monochromes Anonymous for using colourful language.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
When a cashier asks me for my email address, I keep naming random letters as they type it to see how long I can go before they give up.
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo