Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”