Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.