Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
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I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.