Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday


Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.


People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”


i wear a monacle over each eye at formal events to ensure i always make a complete spectacle of myself


CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time


*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says who?”


Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.


If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.