“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Did I do this right
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home