@mack44_d

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

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@MableGertrude

Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.

@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@GrowlyGrego

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

@Marlebean

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

@Love_bug1016

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@djdarrellripley

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

@ArfMeasures

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547