@mack44_d

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

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@InternetHippo

Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

@MouthOfSass

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.

@Kyle_Lippert

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

@GrantTanaka

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

@Tmoney68

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

@AnkCoupleTO

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

@mrace_ventura

“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”