‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

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Every year on daylight savings I try to stay awake long enough to catch the government agents coming in through the chimney to change the clocks but i always fall asleep


ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure


While I appreciate your enthusiasm, auto flush toilet, I kinda wanted to see that.


“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”


Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.


[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people


When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.


[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all


“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”