Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547