I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
-How are you feeling?
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.