@MelvinofYork

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

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@BoomBoomBetty

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@rolldiggity

Flew out of top hat.
Flew out of limousine.
Flew out of church.
-Dove Resume

@travisauruss

I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.

@AsgardianRose

Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

@MelKassel

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

@namelesstv

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@ConanOBrien

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

@philco816

Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.