My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Flew out of top hat.
Flew out of limousine.
Flew out of church.
I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru
Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.