@MelvinofYork

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

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@caribbeanaj

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

@OneLastStranger

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

@Jenny4ashley

I hate when people stare at me during sex. Like, seriously I don’t know you.

@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

@Dr_awfulpants

[Doctor office]
-How are you feeling?
-Not good.
-Any side effects from the medication?
*cries tears of fire*
-Now that you mention it…

@Scarfolk

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

@abbycohenwl

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

@TheBoydP

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.