Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.
“Well, he’s Jack Frost now lol”
-Rose from Titanic, probably
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?
Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*
If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?