@Sam_From_Kansas

“Well, he’s Jack Frost now lol”

-Rose from Titanic, probably

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@SveldtSmelt

Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.

@huntigula

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

@thatdutchperson

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

@iwearaonesie

wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
[later]
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
wife *snorts*
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*

@on_the_fritz_17

If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

@TeaAndCopy

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

@TheBoydP

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

@heathesauruss

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are