Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando