“Well, he’s Jack Frost now lol”

-Rose from Titanic, probably

You Might Also Like


Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don’t know where to start and I always end up screaming.


psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
From karate?
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*


Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?


wife: If you wake me up I’m going to kill you
me *watching her sleep* I’m not afraid of y-
wife *snorts*
me *doesn’t move for 45 minutes*


If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.


ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything


The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.


Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are