I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
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villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.