Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
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One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Meow
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want