Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that