ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.