@SardonicTart
@BlazedDonuts
Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends
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@BlazedDonuts
@TheMichaelRock
*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*
I love you too, babe!
[later]
Where’s my credit card? Son of a..
@ThugRaccoons
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
@staredecISIS__
im all 3
@Schmoodles
Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁
@coffeeandvinyl1
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
@jonnysun
JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL
@trgrrl
me: hurt me
her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived
me: n-no…
her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends
me: stop
@Mom_Overboard
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
@Kappa_Kappa
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.