@SardonicTart

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

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@SeanInCypress

I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@Jake_Vig

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

@perlhack

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

@InternetHippo

“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too

@sip_at_home_mom

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

@PatsATweetin

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.