@SardonicTart

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

You Might Also Like

@BlazedDonuts

Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends

@TheMichaelRock

*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*

I love you too, babe!

[later]

Where’s my credit card? Son of a..

@ThugRaccoons

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

@Schmoodles

Someone at work asked if I’d listened to any good books lately, and now I’ve got a body to dispose of. 🙁

@coffeeandvinyl1

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

@jonnysun

JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL

@trgrrl

me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop

@Mom_Overboard

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.