@SardonicTart

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

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@TheIronSherk

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

@CMFC99

Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities

@MAKJ

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

@IamEveryDayPpl

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

@MomOfTeen

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

@buckweiser13

Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.

@PaigeKellerman

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

@mrjohndarby

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that