“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.


Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.


I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.


ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude


RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are


I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.