@SardonicTart
@drankturpentine
ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
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@drankturpentine
@IamEveryDayPpl
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
@SeanInCypress
I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
@C00LpenNAME
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
@Jake_Vig
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
@perlhack
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
@jonnysun
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
@InternetHippo
“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too
@sip_at_home_mom
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
@PatsATweetin
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.