Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Challenge accepted.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.