Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

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if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die


ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her


[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”


As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.


cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”


I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.


Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today


The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.


On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”