@curlycomedy

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

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@SafyHallanFarah

if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i’m eating before i die

@ianpauldukes

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

@Reverend_Scott

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

@KeetPotato

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

@mydmac

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

@ItsDanSheehan

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

@IamEnidColeslaw

The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.

@brideylee

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”