I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
english majors be like furthermore
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.