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@boozemunkee

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

@JennInTheCorner

Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.

@lillydancyger

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

@brakco

Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@muffkin7

Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’

Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’

Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@daemonic3

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

@emireecraire

Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race