never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
When your parents check you’re ok.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole