Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
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Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Just another day grabbing random children by the shoulders and screaming “I’M YOU FROM THE “FUTURE!” in their faces..
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’
Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’
Grandad: ‘Half past three.’
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?