Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
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I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
This meal prepping shit easy
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!