Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho