me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
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My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.