Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
me refusing to leave twitter
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Storm Tropical Storm
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy