Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.
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Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.
You can learn so much from nature
Me: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?
My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then