So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me