@usermcuserface

Well if it isn’t my old nemesis.
Bathroom scale: twists mustache and laughs maniacally.

You Might Also Like

@Cryptic1iam

Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature

@portmanteauface

Me: DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?

My boss at the Alcatraz cafeteria: seriously one more time and you’re fired

@JohnLyonTweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

@P1ssed_K1d

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

@dumbbeezie

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

@Jenny4ashley

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

@Marlebean

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

@SentenceReduced

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

@T_N_Crumpets

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then